Wednesday, January 8

medicine: wk1, day 3

i felt i had just put my head down from last night when my alarm went off this morning. no more dreams. apparently, my subconscious mind does not dream when i am this tired.

i felt like crying, while i was in the shower. i might have cried. i don't know, or remember.

we had a big conference today, taught by a big wig in my school. i knew he was big, i knew he would call on medical students as well as interns, so i went into the conference with special caution, reminding myself to stay awake.

i fell asleep several minutes later, and was later wakened by a feeling. the feeling you get when the focus of attention comes to you. one is very aware of it, whether you are sleeping or not. so i woke, to find the big wig, attendings, residents, interns and medical students looking at me: apparently, the big wig had seen me, and asked me a question.

me: "uh......."

a looooong silence ensued, during which i was expecting the big wig to recognize that i was incapable of answering his question (especially since i had no idea what it was), and to ask someone else, or move on.

but he was stubborn, and would not move on. at this point, i was also awake, and just as stubborn. i had no fear of embarrassment. embarassments have come too freqently in my life for me to stress about it.

as p.an once said, "hey, you might be uncomfortable waiting in silence, but i'm not."

he stared at me, waiting. i stared at him, in response. i felt the room stirring uneasily. an intern who couldn't bear the tension burst out with an answer. he was dead wrong, but he preferred being wrong then sitting in the tension.

as a fellowclassmate told me later, one usually is wide awake after an experience like that. well, i was never one to follow the crowd. i fell asleep several minutes after the standoff.

*****
i did a rectal exam and guaiac today for my patient. not exactly my favorite procedure, but when you suspect your patient has been bleeding, you do what you gotta do.

so i double gloved, put my finger in, felt his sphincter tone (felt his anus squeeze my finger), and pulled some of the diarrhea out. all in a day's work.

*****
in "touchy feely" (conference where we discuss humanitarian issues, things we experience on the ward, etc), we talked about our personal hospital/doctor interactions as patients.

students talked about deaths in the family, cancers, the whole gamut. it was getting pretty emotional. it was feeling quite heavy for me. so, i did what i usually do (try to lighten things up) when it was my turn:

*with a BROAD SMILE*
"i broke my nose and elbow while playing basketball, and man, it HURT! and my older brother broke his nose at LEAST THREE times while playing basketball!!!"

i thought it was a nice contrast to the heavy stuff that was being shared, but the silence was pretty deadly...





yakob at 6:53 PM

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