Monday, July 15

Psych wk 3 day 11

i interviewed a pt with my attending and resident listening and watching. i surprised myself and wasn't scared or intimidated at all. i did a decent job, probed all the areas that needed probing, and made a few forays into a few things that seemed a little suspect and later proved to be very important. i'm getting the hang of this. come to think of it, i feel that i would be a pretty decent resident in psych in another wk. at the start of this thing, i felt like a rabbit staring into the snarling face of a bear. only two weeks have passed, and now i am interviewing with confidence and presenting pt's during rounds. it's amazing how a ton of stress and pressure can make you learn so quickly.

*****
i finish my day physically tired, but spiritually renewed. prayer, sharing, and practice on monday nights: God teaches me something, or reminds me of a truth, each time.

today, what was revealed to me:

i have been serving in several ministries. mostly, because of my days of discipleship with PR, who taught me: run the race, HARD. no compromises. (see book of Joshua, and Shadow of the Almighty.

so when i see an opportunity to receive blessings from God, to serve His people, to engage in the calling Jesus gave us, i WANT TO RUN.

and i took whatever opening i felt God was revealing to me.

but one of the ways i was responding was that less and less time went into personal prayer and devotion to God. less and less time went to just reading and studying God's Word, the Bible. somehow, in the process of serving in different ministries, i was mistakenly labeling time spent serving as time spent with God.

a moment of revelation, of understanding.

and deep prayer.

this is the first time in my life that i'm actually working. where being late really isn't tolerated. i'm not taken into a room to be scolded by anyone. everyone, from secretary to attending, expect professionalism. i felt that strange and unfamiliar pressure every day for the past two wks. the result is that i'm coming home every day, exhausted. i know, ppl who have real jobs might read this and laugh. rightly so. but i've been in school for so long, this is a new world for me.

during the past 6 years, i had a hard time going to sleep. i usually went to bed at 3am the earliest, and at 5 or 6 plenty of times. now, i get extremely sleepy at 10:30, have to push myself to stay awake to finish what i need to do, and crash at 12. if i'm being stupid, or have too much to do, i stay up late longer, and i am punished the next morning.

i'm tired. achingly tired. somehow, i have to study for the boards that i haven't taken yet. there are lots of things that i need to deal with, SOON. for other things to move, these pressing issues have to be dealt with.

in the midst of all this, i need to move out of this dorm room to my new dorm room which is 3 ft longer. from a tiny jail cell to a less tiny jail cell. by wednesday.

****
another revelation during tonight's prayer time:
the crunch of the past few months have made me...a little different from the normal jacob. i didn't notice it within myself. but i can see the ripples that i make.

to joe chen: there is no excuse. i'm sorry. i'll break the silence first.


to carol chu: God will humble me, sister, don't you worry. and He'll probably use you to do it, too. thanks for all the encouragement you give me, materially and spiritually.

(hey, i just noticed...the two people that i've been most mean to are chinese...maybe i'm a racist...)

to many others: i've probably slighted more than i realize. please forgive me.

i lay my head tonight in rest, in God's hands.




yakob at 11:26 PM

-----------------