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finished my call at midnight. was at CPEP, which is the psych ER. wild, wild, wild.
cops all over the place.
saw three cases, and two were absolute heartbreakers. i started crying while listening to the first one. the patient was just crying a flood while telling her story, so i hope the resident didn't notice me wiping my eyes. i'm gonna be a horrible doctor. i need to pay attn in a way to help her, instead of getting so involved and engrossed with the story and empathizing too much
patient #1:
basically, married early in teens, which failed. history of drug abuse. heroin, cocaine, EtOH, from early on. wants to clean up, has been doing her darn best.
she's a simple person, who likes nice people. afraid of mean people. the soul of a child.
she falls in love, she's so happy about it, and gets noticed for her mood change. then gets into a misunderstanding with a staff worker at the place she was at, who has no such suspect history, and right away, the pt is taken here.
she's incredibly frightened of our hospital, which is famous among the mentally ill. she's deathly afraid, in fact. she cries about how she's been doing her best, that she is being punished for falling in love...why can't she fall in love, just because she's used drugs in the past? she hates the psych unit, because of the humiliation, and lack of autonomy.
i'm listening to her story, and man, it sucks. i'm hating cocaine and heroin like you can't imagine. this is a nice, sweet, innocent person, who's had a hard life. and it has wrecked her name like nothing else can. so much so that her word is never going to be taken over someone else's. i can't dislike the staff worker, cause who knows what happened. my pt might've felt a non-existent slight. but the drugs have surely ruined this person's life. i would like for every junior high student to watch a tape of this interview. it will scare the crap outta you.
patient #2
this lady got into an arranged marriage, where the husband was abusive mentally, physically, and verbally. for a year, she had to endure this, and finally, she got separation court orders. she's safe now, but now completely shunned by her culture.
i was sickened by the descriptions of what went on in her life. repulsed and yet felt guilty that one of my gender had caused her this kind of harm. yet guiltier, more repulsed that korean men are famous for this type of thing. generalizations are such because there is a basis for it.
i'm a mix of wild feelings that a man did those things to her. i'm a mix of feelings for a culture that would throw this intelligent, kindhearted, and innocent person out, shunning her, because she had thought to act for her safety.
if only you could have seen how this woman was affected. her voice was trembling, halting. she spoke with fear and hesitation. she cringed as she recalled what her husband did to her. she clearly felt no joy or happiness in life. she felt no hope. even after he was out of her life, the stamp he had left on her was permanent.
brothers, if ever we lift our voices to our wives and sisters, our children, even a little bit, consider this lady's story, and beware. allow that little bit of anger, and it can quickly spiral into damage that you would not believe. this lady's husband is not a demon. he's as "normal" as you and i, but allowed anger to get the better of him, sometimes...which become a couple of times, and then, more often, as time passed. i pray that i will NEVER, EVER, do such a thing to my loved ones. i don't even want to raise my voice, ever. i've raised my voice plenty of times. i've argued plenty of times. but i hate it. i hate yelling, even as i did it. LORD, though i may be too weak, though i may want to "get at the truth" or to get my point across, help me to swallow my pride, to stand down, and to think in a spiritual plane. to think of You, your love that gives grace even to me, and let me be wise enough to love as You loved me.
****
not my patient, but another patient walking around the unit:
young asian woman walked around with bruises all over face, great bags under her eyes which are tinged with blood. hair looking really wacky. i sought out her history, to see why she looked like that. turns out, she had been assaulted and raped. subsequently, she has been reacting really wildly to everyone. this is a mind completely broken by trauma: physical, mental, spiritual. i don't think i've ever been as ashamed for men, or the lust that sometimes rises in me, as today. i am utterly ashamed that such lusts has done so much damage, as i saw with my own two eyes today. ashamed to the point where i almost want to castrate myself. my thoughts have condemned me.
yakob at 1:03 AM
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cops all over the place.
saw three cases, and two were absolute heartbreakers. i started crying while listening to the first one. the patient was just crying a flood while telling her story, so i hope the resident didn't notice me wiping my eyes. i'm gonna be a horrible doctor. i need to pay attn in a way to help her, instead of getting so involved and engrossed with the story and empathizing too much
patient #1:
basically, married early in teens, which failed. history of drug abuse. heroin, cocaine, EtOH, from early on. wants to clean up, has been doing her darn best.
she's a simple person, who likes nice people. afraid of mean people. the soul of a child.
she falls in love, she's so happy about it, and gets noticed for her mood change. then gets into a misunderstanding with a staff worker at the place she was at, who has no such suspect history, and right away, the pt is taken here.
she's incredibly frightened of our hospital, which is famous among the mentally ill. she's deathly afraid, in fact. she cries about how she's been doing her best, that she is being punished for falling in love...why can't she fall in love, just because she's used drugs in the past? she hates the psych unit, because of the humiliation, and lack of autonomy.
i'm listening to her story, and man, it sucks. i'm hating cocaine and heroin like you can't imagine. this is a nice, sweet, innocent person, who's had a hard life. and it has wrecked her name like nothing else can. so much so that her word is never going to be taken over someone else's. i can't dislike the staff worker, cause who knows what happened. my pt might've felt a non-existent slight. but the drugs have surely ruined this person's life. i would like for every junior high student to watch a tape of this interview. it will scare the crap outta you.
patient #2
this lady got into an arranged marriage, where the husband was abusive mentally, physically, and verbally. for a year, she had to endure this, and finally, she got separation court orders. she's safe now, but now completely shunned by her culture.
i was sickened by the descriptions of what went on in her life. repulsed and yet felt guilty that one of my gender had caused her this kind of harm. yet guiltier, more repulsed that korean men are famous for this type of thing. generalizations are such because there is a basis for it.
i'm a mix of wild feelings that a man did those things to her. i'm a mix of feelings for a culture that would throw this intelligent, kindhearted, and innocent person out, shunning her, because she had thought to act for her safety.
if only you could have seen how this woman was affected. her voice was trembling, halting. she spoke with fear and hesitation. she cringed as she recalled what her husband did to her. she clearly felt no joy or happiness in life. she felt no hope. even after he was out of her life, the stamp he had left on her was permanent.
brothers, if ever we lift our voices to our wives and sisters, our children, even a little bit, consider this lady's story, and beware. allow that little bit of anger, and it can quickly spiral into damage that you would not believe. this lady's husband is not a demon. he's as "normal" as you and i, but allowed anger to get the better of him, sometimes...which become a couple of times, and then, more often, as time passed. i pray that i will NEVER, EVER, do such a thing to my loved ones. i don't even want to raise my voice, ever. i've raised my voice plenty of times. i've argued plenty of times. but i hate it. i hate yelling, even as i did it. LORD, though i may be too weak, though i may want to "get at the truth" or to get my point across, help me to swallow my pride, to stand down, and to think in a spiritual plane. to think of You, your love that gives grace even to me, and let me be wise enough to love as You loved me.
****
not my patient, but another patient walking around the unit:
young asian woman walked around with bruises all over face, great bags under her eyes which are tinged with blood. hair looking really wacky. i sought out her history, to see why she looked like that. turns out, she had been assaulted and raped. subsequently, she has been reacting really wildly to everyone. this is a mind completely broken by trauma: physical, mental, spiritual. i don't think i've ever been as ashamed for men, or the lust that sometimes rises in me, as today. i am utterly ashamed that such lusts has done so much damage, as i saw with my own two eyes today. ashamed to the point where i almost want to castrate myself. my thoughts have condemned me.
yakob at 1:03 AM