Thursday, September 12

OB/GYN:wk5,day18

*warning. the following is a bit graphic. young readers may not want to read.***

6 abortions today: 1 D&C, 5 D&Es
D&C are for <13 wk pregnancies. vacuum the little fetus out.
D&Es are for >13 wks pregnancies. big enough to pull them out. can be intact, or destructive.

how can i describe what i saw today? it was barbaric, it was nauseating, and i just felt really bad.

pre-OP
before any of the procedures, we talked to the patients. every single one of them were crying quietly. this part was really hard for me. though they were so resolute in their decision to abort in clinic, clearly they were somewhat ambivalent, and had doubts about what they were doing. all i could do was to offer napkins, look down so as to not embarrass them, and hold their hand.

in the OR
i was doing the ultrasound, so that we could visualize what was going on inside the uterus. i saw the suction seize the amniotic sac violently, and as the resident twisted the instrument to break the sac, i saw the fetus swirling around inside. because i was manipulating the ultrasound, i was also able the visualize the heart pumping. the resident asked me to not focus on the heart. i guess it was bothering her, because of what she was about to do.

i saw the pincers going in, grabbing the fetus, and slowly, the pincers were drawn out. except that the opening of the cervix was not large enough. so, instead of an intact fetus. parts were taken out. one leg. thorax (chest). an arm. another leg. head (emptied). another leg. rest of spine. miscellaneous innards.

all going into a large stainless steel tub that was filling with blood and fetal parts.

placenta then removed.

a large curette (wire loop) was then used to aggressively scrape the lining of the uterus to remove any remnants of placenta. (think tool similar to what is used to manipulate clay)

uterus massaged to let blood out. blood + tissue come out in spurts with each massage.

we then lined the body parts on a table, to make sure they were all there, all accounted for (not left behind in uterus). i had to measure the foot length, which approximates weeks.

my resident stopped and asked me if i was ok. i was a little woozy, a little dizzy, but i said i was fine.

after we cleaned up, and took the patient back to the recovery room, i had a little time to myself. i didn't cry, but my eyes were watering up a bit. i had to put my head down, clasp it, and pray awhile.

next one was a 21 wk. translates into a pretty big fetus. we tried to take it out intact, by grasping it's feet, and pulling, but all the clamp did was strip the leg of muscle, leaving the bone bare. flash of chicken wing kept flashing into my mind, as i was fighting the horrifying image. this was the first moment where i felt nauseated to the point of almost vomiting.

though the intent was to remove the fetus intact, it ended up being a destructive procedure. when the head finally came out, decompressed (the head was punctured, and content allowed to drain, making the head's diameter smaller, allowing easier extraction)

when the head came out, the large, protruding wideset eyes of the fetus stared out at me. i took a step back. *it's not alive, it's not alive, it's already dead....*

this fetus was much harder to handle, and my brain went numb as i grasped the leg to measure the foot length.

oh, Lord.

the rest of them went in a similar fashion. mind kinda shut down, went numb. my residents, i guess, saw that i wasn't myself, didn't pimp me as much.

eventually, the day was over.
i didn't have a single bite all day. we went through all six straight. i was hungry yet nauseous. i didn't feel like eating.

i came home, felt so drained, wanted to sleep, but was afraid because even as i was walking back, flashes of images of blood, limbs, and the accusing wide-set eyes of the 21 wker kept coming into my mind.

when i went home, though, my body won, and i went into deep sleep.

woke up with a intense headache. was hard to sit up or stand.

went to school fellowship mtg.

good, soft praise. our school fellowship is all about soft, meaningful praise. it's not better or worse than church, just different. more hymn-like and old-school songs. but here, these songs jump out with their meaning.

bible study on daniel 1. ah, LORD. that i may be like daniel, shadrack, meshack, and abednego.


yakob at 11:39 PM

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