Thursday, August 1

Psych wk 5, day 24

had an unusual experience today. i got hit on by a patient, for the first time in my life.

i'm interviewing a patient, when all of the sudden, he says to me, "hey, you're pretty buff. do you work out?" (that's right, he) me, being the clueless moron that i am, say, "nah. i work out occasionally" and flex for his benefit. u know, typical guy stuff. the pt was a normal kinda guy, and i felt like i was relating to him, and he to me.

except he says, "would you like to go out for dinner sometime?" this was so random and unexpected, and i wasn't sure i heard correctly, that i just ignored this. but then he repeated himself. then, it slowly dawned on me that this guy was hitting on me.

1) first time i was hit on by a patient
2) first time i was hit on by a guy (who turned out to be bisexual)

me: "sorry, it's policy for staff not to engage in romantic relationships with patients."

pt: "that's ok. when i'm discharged, i won't be a patient. how about then?"

me: flustered and no idea what to say. want to shout, "NO!" and run out of the room, except that patient has really opened up to me, and i need to keep him talking. so, i just stand there stuttering...

him: "that's ok. i understand."

me: deeeeeeep sigh of relief inside. frightened out of my wits that i had just been hit on by a pt, and a bisexual one to boot. wondering why i had been hit on. somewhat flattered that i was hit on (even if he WAS bisexual)

then, later, pt reveals that he has had "sex with anything that has a pulse, then feels real guilty about it."

i'm not so flattered anymore. not even somewhat flattered.

this life i've got is coming with some real curveballs.

******
had another patient, who talked about searching his entire life, for the the comprehensive answer, for the unity to his fragmented life.

i had such a compelling urge to talk to him about Jesus.

it has become so apparent to me, that nearly all the psych patients have a deep longing for unconditional love. they are even more in tune with this than normal people, and that may be the reason why they become psychotic or depressed, when they can't find the answer. i feel like shouting, "i have it!! i know what you need!"

especially today, this patient talked about how everyone has disappointed him, how hollow he feels inside. how he longs for real love, that goes beyond sex.

it's agonizing, to know the truth, and be forbidden to share it. there are times when i feel like shouting it out, even at risk to my medical career, even if it is stripped away from me. it is a gross infarction upon hospital policy, esp with psych patients, to do this, but there is a longing within me...





yakob at 11:52 PM

-----------------