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Psych wk 5, day 23:
There is a pt on my unit that looks at me.
there are ppl that kind of glance you over, ppl that look right thru you, ppl that stare at you, then look away.
but this pt really looks at me. it's rather disconcerting. the pt sits perfectly still, and pretends as though she is looking straight ahead, except that i can see her looking at me from the corner of her eyes. it's as if she thinks that she is being quite the tricky one, sneaking her stares. except that she has rather large eyes, and everyone can see where her eyes are focused. plus she holds her body in a really stiff, uncomfortable pose, making her stand out a lot. and she HOLDS her stare. i feel like a monkey in an exhibit.
the first time, i felt her stare before i even saw her. it's makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. what to do, what to do?
****
one of the patients that we discharged some time ago is back. it's really awkward and strange. you're glad to see her, b/c she was so funny and you kinda got to like her while she was here, but at the same time, you're very sorry that she's back, because that means that she decompensated.
some patients come back with this huge grin, like, "hey, i'm back! did you guys miss me? i feel like i'm home!"
these guys make you chuckle and shake your head.
others come back with this downcast look, ashamed to be back. they feel terrible because everyone has said goodbye to them, and has celebrated their improvement, their newfound health, and freedom. but when these patients come back, they come as if they carry the shame of having deceived ppl into believing in their new mental health. they try to slide back into the routine that they had before, hoping that nobody will realize that they were gone and had come back.
these guys make you incredibly sad for them, their illness which has such a grip on them, and the shame that they bear around their neck. and these guys slide a bit of dispair into you.
*****
another h.s. friend found: james lee, one of my few korean friends back in h.s. hey, JAMES!!!
yakob at 6:54 PM
-----------------
There is a pt on my unit that looks at me.
there are ppl that kind of glance you over, ppl that look right thru you, ppl that stare at you, then look away.
but this pt really looks at me. it's rather disconcerting. the pt sits perfectly still, and pretends as though she is looking straight ahead, except that i can see her looking at me from the corner of her eyes. it's as if she thinks that she is being quite the tricky one, sneaking her stares. except that she has rather large eyes, and everyone can see where her eyes are focused. plus she holds her body in a really stiff, uncomfortable pose, making her stand out a lot. and she HOLDS her stare. i feel like a monkey in an exhibit.
the first time, i felt her stare before i even saw her. it's makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. what to do, what to do?
****
one of the patients that we discharged some time ago is back. it's really awkward and strange. you're glad to see her, b/c she was so funny and you kinda got to like her while she was here, but at the same time, you're very sorry that she's back, because that means that she decompensated.
some patients come back with this huge grin, like, "hey, i'm back! did you guys miss me? i feel like i'm home!"
these guys make you chuckle and shake your head.
others come back with this downcast look, ashamed to be back. they feel terrible because everyone has said goodbye to them, and has celebrated their improvement, their newfound health, and freedom. but when these patients come back, they come as if they carry the shame of having deceived ppl into believing in their new mental health. they try to slide back into the routine that they had before, hoping that nobody will realize that they were gone and had come back.
these guys make you incredibly sad for them, their illness which has such a grip on them, and the shame that they bear around their neck. and these guys slide a bit of dispair into you.
*****
another h.s. friend found: james lee, one of my few korean friends back in h.s. hey, JAMES!!!
yakob at 6:54 PM