Thursday, July 25

Psych wk 4, day 19:

didn't post anything yesterday because nothing was funny, sad, or interesting. it was just a day of WORK. i really didn't want to be there yesterday.

today, on the other hand, i just felt better. doesn't matter that i fell asleep again during the lunch lecture (i've been doing this pretty regularly now. whenever i sit down, i fall asleep. this isn't good..)

i did my business with my patients, then did some research into how their treatment might be altered as to get them up and back to functioning normally, as opposed to their norm.

i spoke with one of my patient's family today. really gave them the low down. i realized today that for my patients, i know their cases better than anybody on this unit. i'm being supervised, sure, but all the ppl above me are busy with other cases. whereas i spend all my time with just my patients. and i realized that i know the patients, their past, their current state, and the hope for their future, better than any doctor, right now. it was a scary and exciting feeling. it also made me want to look up stuff like mad, to find a better way for their mental health.

i got off at a little past 6 today. my attending had left long ago, most of the residents and nurses were gone much earlier. i was there pretty much by myself. when i was done, and walked back to my dorm, i really felt like i was doing something to take care of someone. there was no supervisor to tell me to stay for a certain period of time, no timeclock to punch. just my conscience and my sense of care for a patient. all that cheese that i wrote in my AMCAS essay (general app for medical school), the stuff that was true for me, and yet sounded so fake...the stuff that i was so ashamed of, was a little validated for myself, tonight.

i like these opportunities: i can prove to myself that all the things i dreamed and promised in the midst of studying, or lying back in my bed before i slept, sweating and getting excited about what i want to do, or during long walks when it was just God and me, i might actually be able to follow through.

it's strange. i mock and deride myself often and i have laughed harder than anyone at my mistakes. sometimes, i am laughing with myself. most times, i'm laughing AT myself, literally pointing a finger at my retardedness. i guess it's a form of defense, to be able to detach the myself from the part that screwed up oh-so-terribly. i have little confidence in myself. i half-expect myself to mess up most of the time. with good reason. as a lot of my friends know, i break promises with the ease of a conscience free baby, smiling as i break them. i mean, even thinking of the promises i KNOW i've broken, i realize i've failed a lot. and there are so many that i've broken without even realizing.

so when i actually do follow thru, it's like, WHOA!

i actually take some time to stop and marvel that it happened. yeah, u can think i'm nutty. i AM nutty.

i have to be careful not to sit too long, nor to marvel too long. too easily, it can turn into pride. keep running, jacob, and let God guide you.

gonna work out to get the circles of logic out of my head.

yakob at 10:00 PM

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