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Psych wk 3, day 14: went to bed at 5am. this is r...
Psych wk 3, day 13: first ever ethical dilemma fa...
Psych wk 3: day 12 tired. i could sleep forever. ...
i've fallen in LOVE!!!! meet my sweet!!
Psych wk 3 day 11 i interviewed a pt with my atte...
had brunch with v and christian. then, they left b...
Psych wk 2: day 10 medical student asked a reside...
finished my call at midnight. was at CPEP, which i...
Psych wk2 day 9 imagine, if you will: seminar led...
aha! i'm able to get a quick little break. so, yo...
something that brought a smile to my face:
seeing overweight, out-of-shape middle-aged men playing soccer with enthusiasm on the basketball court in front of my dorm.
something that made me cringe
seeing overweight, out-of-shape middle-aged men pulling their shirts over their heads, exposing their pale, soft underbellies, which flopped every which way, and running around in a single file, after one of them scored.
actually, i was smiling and cringing at the same time...
Psych wk 3, day 15
psychiatry has not only been invaluable b/c of the interesting patients i see, but for the things i learn about family dynamics, growing up, stressors in life. at times, it also serves as a mirror for me to discover new things about myself.
some things i realized today:
-eldest children go thru incredible pressure and stress to excel and be successful. oftentimes, this happens indirectly, without such intentions from the parents. the result is a child that grows under constant enormous stress. it is not unusual to see patients that have cracked mentally because of this. i'm also beginning to understand what my older brother went thru a little better. i'm sure i still don't completely understand, but i feel like i am a step closer. i've forgiven him for what he has done to my youth, long ago, but moments like this continue to help me forgive in love and understanding, rather than b/c i know that is what i should do.
-the rigid, filled schedules of children. it is ridiculous what some parents put their kids thru. school, tutoring, private lessons for music, orchestras, dance lessons, soccer practice, studying vocab in prep for SAT in elementary school...
the schedule for these children is crazier than some of our schedules, now. it's a full time job. from 8am till 1am. there is no play. everything is for success, excellence. i'm sure most ppl reading this blog (from JHU, or young professionals in NY, or friends of) remember. remember the torturous time in life called junior high and high school. i sure do.
i remember promising my mom: "you always tell me stories about kids that gave up violin when they were young, and when they grow older, they come back to the parents and say, 'why didn't you make me keep doing it?' well, i PROMISE you, i will NEVER, EVER say that. as soon as i get into college, i will quit."
and i kept my word. to be honest, i signed up for lessons at peabody my freshman year (what was i THINKING?!!!) and i made the JHU orchestra my freshman year, and did that for a while, but i quickly tired of it. and there are times that i wish that i kept it up. but then i remember the torture, the mindless and painful hours of practice, and snap myself out of my delirium. no WAY. it is not worth it at all. i'd much rather have had a normal life. (sorry, friends who are in music. i don't mean to say that you don't have a normal life. you just deal with it better than me, so that you can be normal. i can't. you are stronger than i)
my typical day in junior high: finish school, then be shipped off to volunteer at a hospital, then squeeze in practice before a lesson or an orchestra rehearsal. after a rushed dinner, do my homework as fast as possible, so that i could study for the exam the next day. if i was lucky, i'd be able to finish at around 1am, and maybe read a bit.
that would be a normal, uncluttered day. on bad days, i would get into a fight with one of my brothers, or get in trouble with my parents, and that would totally screw things up, and make me miserable. ruin the entire day, and possibly the week.
i went thru rough times, to be sure, and i'm sure a lot of my friends and readers have also. somehow, i came out, relatively unscathed. my brothers and i all have issues, in some way, but i think we are relatively normal and well-adjusted.
i see lots of pt's here who had my type of schedule, just pushed a little bit harder. when i say little, i mean little. it's pretty frightening to think of what might have happened if that little was in my life.
resolved: i want my kids to be successful. but more importantly, i want them to know God, and to have a happy childhood. i don't want to present a double standard to my children, to teach them one thing, and then demand another of them. if they become pastors, missionaries, or true servants of God in whatever capacity, i will be happy. whether doctor, lawyer, teacher, screenwriter, unemployed writer, artist, pastor, or (fill in the blank). i know this is hard to do. but i will reread this blog someday, and be reminded.
****
the issue of leadership and group dynamics come into play quite frequently, here at the psych unit. when i was an RA/TA at NSLC (national student leadership conference) the summer after graduating from JHU, one of my students once said to me, "there are 300 kids here. we can't ALL be leaders." i remember laughing at her astute observation. dead on.
we CAN'T all be leaders. and yet that is the message that we hear, all the time, growing up. BE A LEADER! BE THE PRESIDENT OF THIS! START A CLUB! as if being a leader is the greatest thing in the world. as if, if you don't become a leader of some sort, that you are a failure. i bring this up b/c i've met a pt like this. who thinks that he is an absolute failure because he isn't a leader, b/c he hasn't accomplished something great that will make him famous. he is constantly trying new things, to lead, to become great...and failing. and he's miserable because of it, to the point where he can't function, eat, sleep, or find joy in anything (anhedonia).
what about being a good, functional member of a group? what about being a good follower? i've heard that message about having to be a leader all the time, too. and as i get older, as i learn more about walking with God, about what christian living means, i'm realizing that learning to follow is so much more important. and difficult.
it means giving up your pride. it means caring about other people more than yourself. it means, being a pillar when your leader calls upon you. it means thinking about the members of the group, and what they are going thru, how they are feeling, more than what the group accomplishes, sometimes. who cares when you accomplish a little thing, when you've severely hurt a part of your group, your body, in the process?
when in college, i thought i was doing this, being a ok-type follower (i won't give myself a badge of excellence). but when i look back, i see that i was actually doing a lot of the "supporting," only so that i would become a leader, someday. there is a dude from one of the churches i visited, that i remember. he served faithfully, weekly, in obscurity, in one of the ministries, without the hope that he might one day be one of the more visible ones, the leader. there is more about him, but i don't want to ID him. some of you may know him. if you know who i'm talking about, good for you! keep an eye out for people like this, people who serve, without seeking recognition. i respect ppl like this so much. they are much, much greater than i.
i have a plan that i hope to solidify and implement as a father (have you noticed that i'm thinking about parenthood and fatherhood a lot lately? i'm really jumping the gun, here...there's a minor thing you gotta get first, jacob...):
once a week, i hope to play a game or do an exercise with my family that will go something like this: every week, my family will have some type of goal to reach. like, building a dog house, planning a camping trip, etc. every week, one member of the family will play the role of leader, and the others will play the part of supporters. thus, every person in my family will experience the difficulties, the stresses of leadership (as the eldest child goes thru on a daily basis): hearing everyone out, making solid decisions. facing the glares because of mistakes. voices pressuring from every side. anger from the group when things go wrong.
and every person will also experience the struggles in being a good group member: what it means to swallow your pride. to do things for the sake of the group. to simmer with frustration sometimes, because you are not the leader, and can't make executive decisions, nor meaningful contributions (what the youngest brother goes thru. right, dave?). i think this will be a good weekly lesson for everyone in the family, including myself. this might be a good means of ensuring humilty, to follow the foolish decisions of a 5yr old.
as my children grow older, the goals/objectives can become greater in scope. planning a vacation, buying furniture, building a treehouse. it will be hard, i think. to accept the consequences that mistakes will bring. it will also be difficult to stand down as a mere member, and not assert my authority as the father. we'll see how humble i truly am, or whether my talk is just that, talk.
today was a contemplative day. thus the long entry.
yakob at 5:42 PM
-----------------
seeing overweight, out-of-shape middle-aged men playing soccer with enthusiasm on the basketball court in front of my dorm.
something that made me cringe
seeing overweight, out-of-shape middle-aged men pulling their shirts over their heads, exposing their pale, soft underbellies, which flopped every which way, and running around in a single file, after one of them scored.
actually, i was smiling and cringing at the same time...
Psych wk 3, day 15
psychiatry has not only been invaluable b/c of the interesting patients i see, but for the things i learn about family dynamics, growing up, stressors in life. at times, it also serves as a mirror for me to discover new things about myself.
some things i realized today:
-eldest children go thru incredible pressure and stress to excel and be successful. oftentimes, this happens indirectly, without such intentions from the parents. the result is a child that grows under constant enormous stress. it is not unusual to see patients that have cracked mentally because of this. i'm also beginning to understand what my older brother went thru a little better. i'm sure i still don't completely understand, but i feel like i am a step closer. i've forgiven him for what he has done to my youth, long ago, but moments like this continue to help me forgive in love and understanding, rather than b/c i know that is what i should do.
-the rigid, filled schedules of children. it is ridiculous what some parents put their kids thru. school, tutoring, private lessons for music, orchestras, dance lessons, soccer practice, studying vocab in prep for SAT in elementary school...
the schedule for these children is crazier than some of our schedules, now. it's a full time job. from 8am till 1am. there is no play. everything is for success, excellence. i'm sure most ppl reading this blog (from JHU, or young professionals in NY, or friends of) remember. remember the torturous time in life called junior high and high school. i sure do.
i remember promising my mom: "you always tell me stories about kids that gave up violin when they were young, and when they grow older, they come back to the parents and say, 'why didn't you make me keep doing it?' well, i PROMISE you, i will NEVER, EVER say that. as soon as i get into college, i will quit."
and i kept my word. to be honest, i signed up for lessons at peabody my freshman year (what was i THINKING?!!!) and i made the JHU orchestra my freshman year, and did that for a while, but i quickly tired of it. and there are times that i wish that i kept it up. but then i remember the torture, the mindless and painful hours of practice, and snap myself out of my delirium. no WAY. it is not worth it at all. i'd much rather have had a normal life. (sorry, friends who are in music. i don't mean to say that you don't have a normal life. you just deal with it better than me, so that you can be normal. i can't. you are stronger than i)
my typical day in junior high: finish school, then be shipped off to volunteer at a hospital, then squeeze in practice before a lesson or an orchestra rehearsal. after a rushed dinner, do my homework as fast as possible, so that i could study for the exam the next day. if i was lucky, i'd be able to finish at around 1am, and maybe read a bit.
that would be a normal, uncluttered day. on bad days, i would get into a fight with one of my brothers, or get in trouble with my parents, and that would totally screw things up, and make me miserable. ruin the entire day, and possibly the week.
i went thru rough times, to be sure, and i'm sure a lot of my friends and readers have also. somehow, i came out, relatively unscathed. my brothers and i all have issues, in some way, but i think we are relatively normal and well-adjusted.
i see lots of pt's here who had my type of schedule, just pushed a little bit harder. when i say little, i mean little. it's pretty frightening to think of what might have happened if that little was in my life.
resolved: i want my kids to be successful. but more importantly, i want them to know God, and to have a happy childhood. i don't want to present a double standard to my children, to teach them one thing, and then demand another of them. if they become pastors, missionaries, or true servants of God in whatever capacity, i will be happy. whether doctor, lawyer, teacher, screenwriter, unemployed writer, artist, pastor, or (fill in the blank). i know this is hard to do. but i will reread this blog someday, and be reminded.
****
the issue of leadership and group dynamics come into play quite frequently, here at the psych unit. when i was an RA/TA at NSLC (national student leadership conference) the summer after graduating from JHU, one of my students once said to me, "there are 300 kids here. we can't ALL be leaders." i remember laughing at her astute observation. dead on.
we CAN'T all be leaders. and yet that is the message that we hear, all the time, growing up. BE A LEADER! BE THE PRESIDENT OF THIS! START A CLUB! as if being a leader is the greatest thing in the world. as if, if you don't become a leader of some sort, that you are a failure. i bring this up b/c i've met a pt like this. who thinks that he is an absolute failure because he isn't a leader, b/c he hasn't accomplished something great that will make him famous. he is constantly trying new things, to lead, to become great...and failing. and he's miserable because of it, to the point where he can't function, eat, sleep, or find joy in anything (anhedonia).
what about being a good, functional member of a group? what about being a good follower? i've heard that message about having to be a leader all the time, too. and as i get older, as i learn more about walking with God, about what christian living means, i'm realizing that learning to follow is so much more important. and difficult.
it means giving up your pride. it means caring about other people more than yourself. it means, being a pillar when your leader calls upon you. it means thinking about the members of the group, and what they are going thru, how they are feeling, more than what the group accomplishes, sometimes. who cares when you accomplish a little thing, when you've severely hurt a part of your group, your body, in the process?
when in college, i thought i was doing this, being a ok-type follower (i won't give myself a badge of excellence). but when i look back, i see that i was actually doing a lot of the "supporting," only so that i would become a leader, someday. there is a dude from one of the churches i visited, that i remember. he served faithfully, weekly, in obscurity, in one of the ministries, without the hope that he might one day be one of the more visible ones, the leader. there is more about him, but i don't want to ID him. some of you may know him. if you know who i'm talking about, good for you! keep an eye out for people like this, people who serve, without seeking recognition. i respect ppl like this so much. they are much, much greater than i.
i have a plan that i hope to solidify and implement as a father (have you noticed that i'm thinking about parenthood and fatherhood a lot lately? i'm really jumping the gun, here...there's a minor thing you gotta get first, jacob...):
once a week, i hope to play a game or do an exercise with my family that will go something like this: every week, my family will have some type of goal to reach. like, building a dog house, planning a camping trip, etc. every week, one member of the family will play the role of leader, and the others will play the part of supporters. thus, every person in my family will experience the difficulties, the stresses of leadership (as the eldest child goes thru on a daily basis): hearing everyone out, making solid decisions. facing the glares because of mistakes. voices pressuring from every side. anger from the group when things go wrong.
and every person will also experience the struggles in being a good group member: what it means to swallow your pride. to do things for the sake of the group. to simmer with frustration sometimes, because you are not the leader, and can't make executive decisions, nor meaningful contributions (what the youngest brother goes thru. right, dave?). i think this will be a good weekly lesson for everyone in the family, including myself. this might be a good means of ensuring humilty, to follow the foolish decisions of a 5yr old.
as my children grow older, the goals/objectives can become greater in scope. planning a vacation, buying furniture, building a treehouse. it will be hard, i think. to accept the consequences that mistakes will bring. it will also be difficult to stand down as a mere member, and not assert my authority as the father. we'll see how humble i truly am, or whether my talk is just that, talk.
today was a contemplative day. thus the long entry.
yakob at 5:42 PM