Thursday, July 18

Psych wk 3, day 14:

went to bed at 5am. this is ridiculous. psych isn't supposed to be this demanding...i would be unhappy with the amt of work, if my attending, residents and patients weren't all so nice and wonderful.

had to get up at 8am. i was hurting like you wouldn't believe. started wondering about why i was going into medicine, about my purpose in life...crazy mode i go into when i'm hurting in the morning...

the pt with alzheimer's painted and drew something during art therapy yesterday. it was a crude, childish picture of him, looking sad, behind bars. it hurt me terribly, in my chest, to see this picture.

the bars aren't the unit, b/c he likes it here. i think the bars are representative of his dementia caused by alzheimer's, and how it's caged him mentally, causing him to feel frustrated b/c he's losing control of the basic things in his life. i can't describe the expression on his face, hiding the deeper frustration, anger, and helplessness when he forgot the name of his daughter. the daughter that he loved. the daughter that was here the day before.

this is a real life tragedy that i'm witnessing.

*****
saw another patient later, at a diff psych ward.
he was clearly psychotic, and demonstrated bizarre behavior. he would say part of a sentence, repeat omitting the first word, and adding to the end, repeat omitting another word at the beginning, and adding to the end, and so on. it was the strangest thing i've ever heard in my life.

then, during the interview, he suddenly stops talking, and stares into the air, face suddenly expressionless. his eyes start darting around, like he is seeing something darting around, like dragonflies or butterflies weaving patterns in the air. (i'm getting freaked out, b/c i had NEVER seen this before. it was seriously wild. eyes were jumping around in his head, with intensity) his gaze, which had been following this imaginary object, continues to follow the object...and rests on the interviewer's face. his intense stare was boring holes. all of the sudden, the danger level was up in the red.

i suddenly had the feeling that the pt was seeing a demon darting around, which he had been verbally sparring with in his head, while tracking the demon with his eyes, and watching the demon settle into the interviewer. (interpretation purely in my mind, but imagine how a sane person would act if this were to happen to him, and that is how real this hallucination was to this pt) the hairs on my neck were rising, the sensation crawling down my back. i would not have been surprised at all if he had attacked the interviewer.

****
school fellowship was great. i love our intense bible studies. bible studies suddenly became so much more real and meaningful for me, ever since senior yr of college. it's seriously strange.

****
i've just realized that i haven't had dinner. what's happening to me? how could i have forgotten dinner?

pls don't feel sorry for me. it's my own responsibility to take care of myself. good thing i'm not a father yet...my kid would have died by now...if i can't even feed myself properly....


yakob at 11:59 PM

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