Dream: I Don't Want Any Kids
Thursday, April 24

I was playing with some kids. I don't know who they were, or whose they were. Maybe my brother's future kids? I was having a great time, and they were so darn cute. Just adorable. I was hugging one of them, and suddenly I became sad that I wouldn't have kids of my own. More specifically, that I wouldn't have kids with my ex, E. That magical combo is lost, and we would not be able to share the joy of children together. I would never be able to meet my kids that should have been. I felt like someone had murdered my children. /dream

The weight of the sorrow was deep and heavy, and I woke up, crying.

I immediately started laughing, of course. Who wakes up crying? Only me, I guess. Over something so silly, too. But the strain of struggling to laugh while crying was too much, and I was tired anyway, so I stopped fighting and just accepted that I was crying for a few minutes. I felt a lot better.

The funny thing is, lately I've been hating kids. There is nothing I dread more than having to examine a child. Little buggers can't be reasoned with. I'd rather deal with an animal, to tell the truth. To the point where I don't think I'll want children in the future. Or maybe kind of conveniently ignore them until they become awkward teenagers. Or maybe this is just me missing my youth group kids. I don't know.

yakob at 5:03 AM

-----------------