dream
Wednesday, November 5

i was on a rooftop, facing an airplane. it was a fairly small plane. i felt desolate.

i got in and gunned the engine, feeling the vibrations in my body, taking them falsely as product of my body's, my mind's resolve.

i took off, went up into the sky, saw blue, blue, blue... then i turned the plane and went into a nosedive. straight towards the school.

the last seconds seemed to occur in double time, and the shock of the impact registered much much later. the smoke and debris eventually settled down, and i managed to stir out of the mess. i was still alive.

i moaned and clutched my head. stupid! can't you even do THIS right?

i felt everything slip away. my cowardice overcame my temporary resolve, and i snuck away, my body feeling like a gelatinous blob, a hundred different pieces attached by skin. somewhere, elsewhere, i heard a cacophony of screams and shouts. i was sure i was seen, but i didn't or couldn't care.

somehow, i reached home, and snuck in. i crawled into bed, and lay there, thinking of how stupid i had been. if i had been able to go completely through, it would have been ok. or if i had ignored myself, it would have been ok. but no, i had gone part way, and there was no turning back.

my younger brother came into the room, and i said something. something normal. he went away.

over the next several days, i lay in bed, recovering.

eventually, i healed. i went out, to see what the effects. to see if i had been discovered.

it was not long before i realized that no one knew. i even went into the school, and gave one of my past teachers a hug. i felt evil. oh so evil. i was sure that she knew. that my brothers knew.

every pair of eyes seemed accusing.




yakob at 12:43 AM

-----------------