Wednesday, April 9

urology wk 2, day...

i think i know everything there is to know about BPH, prostate cancer, erections, and viagra. too much, maybe.

i'm still disturbed that these old men want erections so much. maybe echan is right, such a desire is more to reassure themselves that they are young. i'm sure that is true, to a certain extent. but you know, while i'm standing there, listening to them, such an interpretation is not the feeling i got. no, it was more of a pure desire to have intercourse. very down-to-earth, these patients are.

it bothered me enough that i spent the better part of the day wondering about it. i guess the issue for me is this:

i lust. i know that. not all this time. but enough that it takes up more of me than it should. and this part of me is completely, utterly repulsive to me. not for a i-was-raised-catholic-and-taught-that-lustful-thoughts-are-bad!-BAD!-BAD!!! reason. (nothing against catholics. you know what i mean) #1, because of my beliefs. sex is not evil in itself. lust is. it separates from God, and that is more than evil enough. i think i would be repulsed about this drive, anyway, even if i weren't christian...

it's a general overwhelming impression i have from listening to ppl, reading books, watching movies: a lot of evil in this world comes from man's lust. a very broad, generalizing statement, i recognize. but, i can't help but to feel this way.

proof from bible: david & bathsheba. proof from legend: king arthur / lancelot / guinevere. proof from ancient history: greece vs troy (helen). proof from movies: sabrina, first knight, legend of the fall (one reason why bile rises in my throat whenever i see julia ormand. has there ever been a woman in the history of filmmaking that played so many roles of splitting up friends/brothers as this woman?!) but you don't even have to look that far.

how many teenagers have been wrought with guilt for their furtive acts under the influence of lust? how many tears have been shed, how many carpet burns gained from retreat center floors, for the distance that this sin wedges in our relationship with God?

how many marriages have been broken? families split? how many hearts of little kids have been broken because a father (or mother, but i think fathers, in most cases)'s lust, and worse, act on that lust?

a friend of mine once recently told me of how when he was in elementary school, his parents fought in front of him and his little sister, and how he held his younger sister when she cried, because she was so scared. damn. something like this is enough for me to want to get a big butcher knife and turn myself into a eunich, so that i would never ever be the reason for that type of pain to an innocent little kid.

when lust overwhelms me, there is a part of me that attributes it to my age, the entrance into young adulthood. i also assumed that to a great extent, such powerful irrational drives would go away with age/maturity.

so hearing these old men talk about how erections are so important to them, DEMANDING that their sexual function be (e)*rectified.... it is disheartening. will i have to fight this for the rest of my life?

(*- edited by hawkeye ;)

enough already! such a stupid thing should not have such a grip on me, on any of us.

there are so many important things in life that need to be addressed. people are DYING from war, dying from something so simple and preventable, like starvation (N. Korea) or other preventable health problems. WITHOUT KNOWING GOD, for crying out loud.

ah, LORD. if you asked me to do it, i would not hesitate.


war in iraq
• Coalition grip tightens
• Fate of Iraqi President Saddam Hussein still a mystery
• Bush: "I don't know" if Saddam, sons survived Monday's bomber strike
• Pentagon: Coalition forces now control skies over Iraq
• U.S. searching for two airmen missing after their jet went down over Iraq
• Teams to enter Iraq to investigate fate of pilot downed in 1991, U.S. officials say

p.s. mike: thank you for explaining, brother. heard and accepted. will heed and keep in mind.

*****
1st sm grp mtg!!! so excited. (DK, JF, JL) God, use this beginning for your purpose. we want to be real, honest. a place where guys can be themselves, where they don't have to pretend to be anyone. a place where they can find the love of Jesus Christ.

yakob at 12:51 AM

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