Sunday, March 2

sunday / contemplation

sunday service was awesome. first of all, i have to say, charles sepiel was rocking. it's hard to find good upbeat praise songs, but i have them now.

LORD, things are falling apart. . . people nod, try to understand, say the right things, pray for me. but they don't really see. they can't imagine. it doesn't seem real, the past month. i felt like i was fighting against something i couldn't win against. falling further and further back with each day. wanting to just stop and slide down, all the way out. people all around, wondering why i'm struggling so much, only able to see bits and pieces. the frustration of being exahausted, looking into eyes that see me tired, but unable to understand why. but you've been there, God. from the beginning. each thing, big or small. you understand it all, more than i can understand. you know why he disliked me so much. i've never met someone who disliked me so openly, undisguised. without cause. i don't ask for justice or for understanding. you know what you are doing, and i'll put my trust in you. you're the lone steadfast being in my life. but sometimes, God, i just want to step out of it all. to put my head down and let go for awhile . . . won't you take me away . . .

******

it brings me so much... happiness? joy? those words are shallow for what i mean. i'm filled with something when i see my YG kids. old and new. each so UNIQUE. i wish i could just take each one aside and have a heart to heart. these precious moments are flying by, opportunities, windows that last only for so long. *sigh*

pastor v gave a message on 1 samuel, of the relationship btwn David and Jonathan. more specifically, the relationship they had. that of a COVENANT.

one not of mere feelings, of affection, but one of commitment, of mercy and love abounding, hesed. ("hesed: Love, Lovingkindness, Compassion, Greatness, Grace " edited: thank you, dee). jonathan knew the meaning and depth of this covenant, because of the relationship he had with God, the originator and the unbreaking keeper of such covenants.

to know that type of relationship at church (or with your significant other, eve), that realtionship of trust, love, and commitment, we must look to our relationship with God, to that covenant with Him.

******
prayed with YG teachers after morning service.
prayed with some of the brothers after church today.
and thought... what is my heart churning about? i am alive. my family is here. we love each other. i am healthy. i love my church, my YG, my brothers and sisters, my friends. my skin is intact. i can breathe, i can see.

and were these to be taken away, would i still praise God? i hope so. i pray so. blessed be your name, LORD

something that really got to me. how many people are behind me. supporting me. praying from me. encouragement from everywhere. even from my YG kids, words of encouragement and some prayer, lifting me up, keeping me up, moving forward. it is a little shaming, actually, that i am doing so poorly even with so many in support of me.

there was a time, when i dreamed of doing extremely well academically. i thought, my heart will not leave church, not in the least. i will keep all my responsibilities, be active in church and in the christian body. i wanted to be a witness through my success. those dreams and thoughts have been dashed. maybe it was more my pride, more of my own dream of personal success, the glory of God more an excuse than the driving reason, and thus my failure. or.... i don't know.

things have changed drastically. my dad is right in one thing for sure. God is breaking me. i am a stubborn, arrogant, self-righteous being, and there is no room for that in the presence of God. i will be broken.






yakob at 11:28 PM

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