Monday, February 3

medicine wk 5, day 27

after i felt i had done through the worst, after i resolved to stop complaining:

i had call on my very first day at my new hospital site. i presented a patient to my new mentor in the way that we had all been taught, and i get slammed HARD. HARD. HARD. HARD. HARD my colleagues and i were extremely confused by what this new preceptor wants out of us. the others offered me condolences afterwards and were glad that they didn't have to present on the very first day.

i hardly ever get angry. i don't know when was the last time i cursed. today, for the first time in a long time, i wanted to. a part of me wanted to just take my things and leave. just walk out of the hospital and flip a nice birdie on my way out.

i was interrupted, berated, quizzed, humiliated, any and everything you can think of. one of the worst experiences of my life.

this one experience is enough to convince me that i am not going into internal medicine. i can't stand the hierarchy. even attendings must smile and be eaten up by senior attendings. jimmy was right. i am going into some specialty, and going private when i am done. i am definitely not sticking around an academic center where ppl feel they have the right to crush and humiliate you, simply because they are senior to you.

lessons:
1) lose the pride
2) don't let anger get a grip
3) think of the patients, not about me. that makes it a little easier to bear. not much, but enough to take off the edge. the blunted surface will take you down and knock the wind out of you, but it won't cut your skin. just get back up, son.

it occurs to me that i have a lot of ppl praying for me, supporting me, encouraging me. i even got a card in the mail today. just to encourage me. i don't deserve the love that comes my way. as j & c, often say, "jeez, i don't understand it. why do ppl love you?"

i don't know. it surprises me just as much, that so much love comes my way. i definitely know it's not because of my charm or personality. it must be my looks. HAHA. jk. (wow. i'm surprised i can crack a joke when i don't feel it at all. that was a bitter joke, folks. )

but i know it's not because of a certain way that i am. i know that God is compelling ppl, putting me in their hearts, somehow, for some reason. so, i thank you, my Lord and God. i thank you, my friends.

it was a horrendous day. the kind that makes you want to dig a large large hole in the ground and cover yourself up with several feet of dirt.

sh says: "you must lift UP your head, remember? that the king of glory may come in"

if i lift my head, my king will see a violent longing, straining to leave this world to be with Him ...


may i lay my head down at your feet
clasp your holy garments to my face
let my troubles soak and seep away




yakob at 11:44 PM

-----------------