Tuesday, January 28

medicine: wk 4, day 22

wearing paper thin scrubs at 5:30am to walk to work in this weather is not fun. 10 painful blocks. i was numb when i got to work.

mid-afternoon, i got my work done, and was pretty much sleepwalking, so i snuck off and took a 20 min nap. what wonders one itty bitty nap does for you...

no thoughts today. just mindless work, work, work. i read an article in the new england journal of medicine about the MATCH, and about residencies in general.

it is truly ridiculous how residency programs don't have to compete for qualified residents. instead, they are guaranteed great residents, and can pay a pathetic $40,000/yr for each resident. they can also kill their residents on ridiculous hours. basically, all the power is on the residency programs side, and not on the residents' side at all.

$40,000? that's a lot of money, right? RIGHT? not if you are in $100,000-$200,000 in debt, like me, and most medical students after finishing med school. interest is accumulating on that debt, the whole time in residency. after taxes, and monthly payments on that debt, the result? $100 a month in living expenses. (calculated in the NEJM, not by me)

jeez.

we just basically have to beg for a spot, and be happy with it, however crappy the conditions are, however poor the pay is. heck, we would probably take it, and thank them, even if they CHARGED us $40,000 a year. they have that kind of grip on us. we have to go through residency, don't we? this situation is the wackiest, ugliest monopoly EVER. to take advantage of ppl's decision to do good for others... it's sick...

(residency programs:)
oh, you want to help ppl? be a part of physical healing? just give $250,000, work like a slave, let us break your sense of worth, confidence, and ethics, and let us REAM YOU.

it's the craziest offer in the world. and even crazier, there are many who take it. even KNOWING the cost. like me. and even if a wave of medical students and residents quit, there would be a long line of ppl waiting to come into the field. a long line of eager beavers coming just from hopkins, i guarantee you.

oftentimes, i wonder: why? why do this? do i really want this? the answer is yes, but it is hard to say exactly why, when there are so many negatives. especially when i think my talents are more on the creative side than in mindless drilling and retention of information that medicine requires.

this is the answer for me:
1) i truly believe God wants me here. i am confident in this. if this were to be taken away, the following reasons, however compelling as they might be, would not keep me in medicine.
2) i feel like this is a privilege. a COSTLY privilege, in every way, but still, a privilege nonetheless. the knowledge itself is priceless. the chance to help ppl get well, that is something so wonderful, so unbelievably incredible.
3) this is a field where it is clear to me that my faith and my work do not have to be in conflict or isolated/independent from each other.

sorry, pre-meds out there. i am not trying to discourage you. it's better that you know what you are getting into. if you still feel it is worth it, GOOD! bust your butt to get it. it's hard, it hurts, you will doubt at times, but it is definitely a trip. even if they screw around with your pay, your hours, and whatever else they can think of, IT IS WORTH IT.

(i had to write this really long post to convince myself of it)

yakob at 12:39 AM

-----------------