Wednesday, September 4

OB/GYN:wk4,day22

i went in at 6am today. late. fortunately, my intern was late, too, so she didn't say anything about it. we just both worked as fast as we could, silently.

after our morning rounds, i ran around doing various menial tasks like drawing blood, running labs, etc, etc. a higher up resident took pity on me and yanked me into the OR. scrubbed in for two c-sections + tubal ligation. i've been through so many now, i feel like i could do it myself.

i was feeling lightheaded for the first one, since i got about 3 hrs of sleep plus no breakfast. during the second one, i almost fell asleep while assisting. that would have been very, very bad. after seeing so many, these surgeries feel like it's not a big deal. it's the same ol', same ol', you know? except that these are LIVES that we are talking about here. one little mistake, one little blood vessel that we don't stop, and this lady will bleed to death. each patient is someone's wife, someone's mom. someone's daughter.

even if i'm not the primary surgeon, one day, i WILL be. i have to be able to see each patient as though they are family, and care for them accordingly. it's so hard when you are exhausted, sleepy, hungry, and somewhat bored, having seen the same stuff over and over. it's so easy to make one leeeetle mistake.

leading to one death, hanging over your head. forget about the lawsuits...how will i feel knowing that the patient died because of ME? it would be as if i had effectively commited murder. these thoughts woke me up some.

*****

early this morning, a woman pregnant at 16 wks ruptured her membranes. the fetus was nonviable.

because of the untimely death, the fetus needed to be examined more closely. i was the assistant.

if this is anything what my abortion clinic wk is going to be like, i don't know if i'm going to make it.

do you know what a 16wk fetus looks like? i sure didn't, and was completely unprepared for it. imagine, if you will, something the size of a large hamster. completely red, with a skin more like a transparent red membrane than skin. its head disporportionately large compared to the body. head the size of a plum, its body only a little longer than the head, it's fingers and toes barely differentiated.

i took a closer look at it's face. eyes were closed tightly, mouth had a small opening. small nub for a nose. shivers ran up and down, up and down my spine.

then we took a scapel and scissors, and cut out a piece of lung, a piece of thigh, some placenta, and other specimens for further tests. it felt so coldly scientific...evil and barbaric. we even took pictures.

i wanted to puke.

if i were a woman, and the child i was carrying died early, i don't know how i would react. carry a deep deep sorrow within me, perhaps. after all that time spent having the child within you, a PART of you, having protected and nurtured this being, naming the child, dreaming dreams .....and to have that snatched away abruptly.

i'm sorry, uknown lady. for a moment, you were able to taste the joy and glory of being a mother. only for a moment.
though i can never experience what you have experienced, i mourn for you.

yakob at 8:01 PM

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