Tuesday, September 24

dream:

i'm back in the backyard of my old oakwood ave, arcadia house, skateboarding across the lawn. because of the incline, i actually get some momentum going, and i am flying through the grass...

a little girl asks me to teach her. i said, "sure, but not in the grass. and i have to go meet my friends at ******."

"oh, oh, can i go?" she joyfully asks. i sigh, grab a polaroid camera from the house, take her picture, and get her to sign it. satisfied that adequate consent had been given and documented, i take her hand, and we go together.

we meet up with 2 ppl, who feel like friends to me, yet whose faces are unfamiliar. one looks like an athelete, the other guy is a large guy, a mexican dude (what's with the hispanic thing in my dream?). we talk about things, i'm not sure if it was about skateboarding or about girls, or what. we eventually discuss the mexican kid's skills, when the little girl says, "maybe it's because you are fat."

everyone stops, horrified that she said such a thing. i look at her, appalled, and she looks back at me, with a wide-eyed innocent look. i don't know what to say to such a look. my mexican friend finally chuckles, and says, "hey, hey, it's all right. it's nothing i haven't heard before." we force small laughs out, uneasily.

somehow, my consciousness shifts so that i AM the mexican kid. like a powerful wave, all the sorrow he felt at that moment smacked me down. i don't remember what was said at the remainder of the time hanging out with the guys and the little girl. small pleasantries were exchanged, things were discussed. i laughed and said words.

i trudge home to mom, and it is as though i am a little kid again, as i run to her and bury myself in her middle, crying. she is not MY (jacob's) mom, nor is she mexican. she adopted me when i was much younger. yet the feeling of motherhood in her was so strong, absolutely consummate.

"shhhh....shhhhh....it's ok, honey."
"shhhh...."

she understands that i am a mexican kid hanging out with asian kids, that i am overweight while they are thin and/or athletic. she understands that i am hit with small barbs on a daily basis. most days, it washes over me. some days, like today, when it comes from such an untainted, innocent source, it cracks through the shield i had made for myself.

i am so thankful for this woman that adopted me. what asian woman would adopt a mexican kid? and who would adopt such an overweight, ugly kid like me? her.

/end dream

bizarre! bizarre! my only conclusion is, my body is used to getting 3-5 hrs/night, so six hours has become luxury enough to have some extra vivid dreams...

or maybe, i'm going cuckoo! cuckoo! *twirling one finger next to right ear as i roll my eyes* (shallow hal, remember?)

yakob at 7:57 AM

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