Tuesday, September 17

OB/GYN:wk6,day21

i'm tired.
i'm tired of being tired.

i hate waking up with a body that aches all over, a head that feels like someone sat on it, and little marks all over my chest where i had pressed so hard into the sheets in my deep, too-short sleep.

every morning, i shower at around 5:10am, standing still, soaking up the hot water, thinking: why am i doing this? is this really worth the beating i'm taking? after alternating between a numb mind and crying to myself, i feel a little better after my shower.

i haven't sung any praise songs in the shower in a long time. what a fickle heart, eh? showing its true colors, friend...

i step out in the morning, the moon still shining, the sky dark, the streetlights still mocking, my damp hair hardening with some slapped on gel. *this is not right for man to be up this early* i think. "this is ungodly.*

when i get into the hospital, this feeling is somewhat diminished, because the inside of a hospital knows no difference between day and night. it is always bright, always bustling, even at this hour.

today, as i entered a room to see a new patient. there was a cute balloon next to the bed: "Dear God, please make my friend well."

it made me go, "awww~~~!!" (pitch must exponentially rise at the end)

then i read her chart, read that she has ovarian cancer, which is always discovered late (there are little signs and symptoms, so it is never brought to a physician's attn until it has already metastatized (spread to other organs, making it difficult to treat, signalling game over)). crushed my spirits. especially when the patient is somewhat elevated in spirit, feeling relatively good, knowing her diagnosis, informed of the meaning, yet not really KNOWING what it means.

(*note: angry/irritated/flustered korean girls are not pleasant to be around. all their korean fire and kimchee comes to the surface, and they strike with the viciousness of....no animal comes close to it, not even a snake. i wasn't even a taget, but just seeing it makes me recoil and ashamed)

in an act of mercy, my chief resident, when she asked me some basic questions and i gave her a smile (means, don't be ridiculous, how am i supposed to know the answer to this when no one in this rotation has given me time to study, but has instead run me ragged and keep telling me to prepare presentations and miscellaneous errands), she understood my predicament, and told me to go home and study.

thank God for small mercies.

yakob at 4:40 PM

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