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marriage (one of many random thoughts on this subject)
while we were talking about what was going on in our lives, one of the guys who is going to get married soon and is going through pre-marriage counseling, shared this:
one of the issues that come up frequently in marriage is the use/management of time & money. couples that we madly in love and oblivious to the external things in life are abruptly yanked back on earth. this guy shared how it quickly became apparent that he and his significant other had very different views on how to spend time and money.
the crux of what the counselor advised was this: the real issue is not time or money. these are but symptoms of the real issue, which goes back to self-idolatry.
i heard this, only half listening, but the significance of these words slowly seeped into me. i had never really thought about these aspects after marriage. it's hard enought just finding the person to marry, and now there's the prospect of finding out that the person that you are so in love with has very different ideas of how to spend time, use money, save money, etc, etc. it's pretty daunting.
as i sat there musing on my character, the way i am, i began to think about how this might become a huge problem. anyone that knows me knows that i am...um...not the most practical person.
i often miss my bill payments (my credit is totally shot. if i wasn't a medical student, i think credit card companies would withdraw all my credit. as it is, each bank has given me platinum, with at least a $10,000 limit on each. such a strange world), i miss mtgs, i'm always running late, i'm terrible at using the phone (there's a reason/theory for that, that i might share later), bad at returning emails, etc, etc.
believe it or not, i've actually improved over the years. haha. still, i'm thinking how frustrating this would be to my future partner. understandably so.
i also have different ideas on what is important and how to spend time. just yesterday, my parents were a little upset that i haven't called them in 2 wks. what can i say? last wk was the end of my first rotation, so i was preparing presentations, doing write-ups, working to get my patients better and discharged, and studying for my shelf. and this wk, i'm starting OB/gyn, which means a lot of studying in the first wk so that i can have a foundation of knowledge for the rest of the rotation. still, that is no excuse for not calling them. i'm guilty. calling takes mere minutes. yet when so much is happening, when i'm frantic to finish this or get this done on time, really, the last thing on my mind is calling my parents. i'm not sure how to resolve this, other than to try to remember more. my parents ARE important to me. i LIKE talking to them, catching up, sharing, etc. but during certain times, it's just difficult. and isn't this how marriage is going to be? where so much is going to be going on, there will be deadlines, preparing for things, patients who need me NOW, trips to go on, missions to be a part of. i'm afraid my wife will one day look at me, and say, "what about me?" and i'm will feel really bad and sad. (hey, that rhymes!) i don't want that to happen...
church is important to me. people that ask for help, that need help, or need an ear, are important to me. basketball is important to me. family is important to me. while academia/career is important to me in the long run, i really am concerned with eventually getting there, but not so concerned with succeeding in each little thing it takes to get there. the biggest obstacle was actually getting into medical school. that big threshold has been crossed. i do study, i do work. but when faced with a choice of someone going through something and needing an ear, or preparing a presentation, i'm going to listen to my friend, even if it means that i stay up late, that my presentation will suffer, and i might receive marks lower than i would've if i had just done my presentation. simply because i know that i will pass. whereas my friend is going through something RIGHT NOW.
i don't know. i think stuff like this might be an issue with my partner, b/c it is an issue with my parents, who care for me and have my interests in their hearts. they say, "i know you want to help people, but what about medical school and your career? don't you think you should be the best student you can be, to help people later?"
that's true, to a certain extent. i do. but i've been doing things for that ambiguous "later," most of my life. i've had what i consider to be a terrible childhood, partly because of external factors, and mostly self-imposed, because of the future that i wanted for myself. in college, i wondered, why i am i wasting my youth/life for some 20-30 years of my future? why sacrifice half my life for the second half, when i can easily enjoy the whole of it? and so i decided, "i'm going to enjoy this journey."
that means, trying my best to enjoy my classes, however difficult they may seem, without killing myself. that means, taking time to work out, play basketball, and develop relationships, even if that means that i will do a little worse in school. that means, making sure that my involvement in church will never decrease because of academia or career. these are the standards i set for myself in college, and the rest of my life. in some ways, you can say that i've lost my priorities. maybe. but i feel like a gained perspective in college, developed what my true priorities are, and am happy for it. in high school, it burned my ego to hear of fellow classmates who have accomplished less than me to get into better schools or do better in things. and i would have been driven to work harder and rip past them in the game of life. i am now content to let those people succeed, get into better medical schools, better residencies, better fellowships, better jobs, whatever. i have found my comfort in God. i have found my comfort in what i am doing, and how i'm doing it. i am comparing myself less and less to other people, and more to what i feel that God is calling me to do.
will my future mate understand this? even if i told her this, will she nod her head as though she understood, smile and say that she feels similarly, but when crunch time comes, will she not understand? or worse, will she understand fully but be unhappy and feel helpless about it? this is a very disturbing thought. i have seen it. it happens.
and what about money?
long time ago, when we lived in arcadia, our family owned a mazda mpv minivan, and a chevrolet caprice classic. not exactly rollin' in style, yet it was convenient to have those two cars.
one day, my dad comes home, and says, "i gave the chevrolet away." i was like, "you did WHAT? whaddya mean, you gave the car away? you can't just give a car away! and you didn't even consult or tell us!" i wasn't really thrilled about what my dad had done. later, he told us that a friend of his had a big gambling problem, and in a drunken state, had gambled all his money and his car away. this friend happened to have a wife and 2 kids. they were stunned that their dad had done that to them.
from my dad that day, i learned some big lessons.
1) my dad really follows through. he ACTS on what he believes. on what the bible teaches, how material things are not that important, even on BIG material things, like cars.
2) cars, houses, etc. these things are nothing compared to the soul of a man
3) money is fleeting, and means nothing in heaven.
that memory really sticks in my mind. i guess it really influenced my life. i don't spend money foolishly. i know that it doesn't grow on trees. i think i am relatively frugal. but as my mom told me many times growing up, don't be afraid to spend money on the things you need. the definition of that word, "need" is ever changing, and redefined. but for the most part, i spend on what i think is necessary. sometimes, lots of times, this means i spend more than what i have in my bank account. thus my outstanding credit card debts...
when i think of the future with my wife, i wonder about how she will respond to some of the things i might do.
not to say that i will do all these things, but how will she feel if i want to sponsor a seminarian, or a couple of them, through seminary? how will she feel if i want to give a chunk to this small church that needs the money? how will she feel if i want to provide a unrecognized christian musician with money so that he/she can get started on a career in music? how will she feel if i take a huge cut in my salary to take a different job/position that a higher paying one? these thoughts have played across my mind many times, and may yet happen. or not.
it's easy to be generous when you are poor and don't have anything to give, or little to give. it's harder as you have more and more money. because man's heart isn't content with the things he wanted before. along with greater wealth comes greater greed and wants. you can help this person, or you can get the porshe boxter! you can do this, or buy that sweet home theater system! it's not easy. i'm not talking about just my future wife. i'm wondering if i can do this, too. can i really meet my promises to myself? i don't know. i want to say that i can, that i will. i DO say it to myself, so many times. that i will do this, do that. when the time comes, we'll see what stuff i am made of.
sorry for the long train of thoughts. if you've actually read all this, congratulations. i'm just typing my thoughts down. partly to put some form of organization to them, partly to keep myself accountable to the future. to either encourage me or convict me.
yakob at 12:27 AM
-----------------
while we were talking about what was going on in our lives, one of the guys who is going to get married soon and is going through pre-marriage counseling, shared this:
one of the issues that come up frequently in marriage is the use/management of time & money. couples that we madly in love and oblivious to the external things in life are abruptly yanked back on earth. this guy shared how it quickly became apparent that he and his significant other had very different views on how to spend time and money.
the crux of what the counselor advised was this: the real issue is not time or money. these are but symptoms of the real issue, which goes back to self-idolatry.
i heard this, only half listening, but the significance of these words slowly seeped into me. i had never really thought about these aspects after marriage. it's hard enought just finding the person to marry, and now there's the prospect of finding out that the person that you are so in love with has very different ideas of how to spend time, use money, save money, etc, etc. it's pretty daunting.
as i sat there musing on my character, the way i am, i began to think about how this might become a huge problem. anyone that knows me knows that i am...um...not the most practical person.
i often miss my bill payments (my credit is totally shot. if i wasn't a medical student, i think credit card companies would withdraw all my credit. as it is, each bank has given me platinum, with at least a $10,000 limit on each. such a strange world), i miss mtgs, i'm always running late, i'm terrible at using the phone (there's a reason/theory for that, that i might share later), bad at returning emails, etc, etc.
believe it or not, i've actually improved over the years. haha. still, i'm thinking how frustrating this would be to my future partner. understandably so.
i also have different ideas on what is important and how to spend time. just yesterday, my parents were a little upset that i haven't called them in 2 wks. what can i say? last wk was the end of my first rotation, so i was preparing presentations, doing write-ups, working to get my patients better and discharged, and studying for my shelf. and this wk, i'm starting OB/gyn, which means a lot of studying in the first wk so that i can have a foundation of knowledge for the rest of the rotation. still, that is no excuse for not calling them. i'm guilty. calling takes mere minutes. yet when so much is happening, when i'm frantic to finish this or get this done on time, really, the last thing on my mind is calling my parents. i'm not sure how to resolve this, other than to try to remember more. my parents ARE important to me. i LIKE talking to them, catching up, sharing, etc. but during certain times, it's just difficult. and isn't this how marriage is going to be? where so much is going to be going on, there will be deadlines, preparing for things, patients who need me NOW, trips to go on, missions to be a part of. i'm afraid my wife will one day look at me, and say, "what about me?" and i'm will feel really bad and sad. (hey, that rhymes!) i don't want that to happen...
church is important to me. people that ask for help, that need help, or need an ear, are important to me. basketball is important to me. family is important to me. while academia/career is important to me in the long run, i really am concerned with eventually getting there, but not so concerned with succeeding in each little thing it takes to get there. the biggest obstacle was actually getting into medical school. that big threshold has been crossed. i do study, i do work. but when faced with a choice of someone going through something and needing an ear, or preparing a presentation, i'm going to listen to my friend, even if it means that i stay up late, that my presentation will suffer, and i might receive marks lower than i would've if i had just done my presentation. simply because i know that i will pass. whereas my friend is going through something RIGHT NOW.
i don't know. i think stuff like this might be an issue with my partner, b/c it is an issue with my parents, who care for me and have my interests in their hearts. they say, "i know you want to help people, but what about medical school and your career? don't you think you should be the best student you can be, to help people later?"
that's true, to a certain extent. i do. but i've been doing things for that ambiguous "later," most of my life. i've had what i consider to be a terrible childhood, partly because of external factors, and mostly self-imposed, because of the future that i wanted for myself. in college, i wondered, why i am i wasting my youth/life for some 20-30 years of my future? why sacrifice half my life for the second half, when i can easily enjoy the whole of it? and so i decided, "i'm going to enjoy this journey."
that means, trying my best to enjoy my classes, however difficult they may seem, without killing myself. that means, taking time to work out, play basketball, and develop relationships, even if that means that i will do a little worse in school. that means, making sure that my involvement in church will never decrease because of academia or career. these are the standards i set for myself in college, and the rest of my life. in some ways, you can say that i've lost my priorities. maybe. but i feel like a gained perspective in college, developed what my true priorities are, and am happy for it. in high school, it burned my ego to hear of fellow classmates who have accomplished less than me to get into better schools or do better in things. and i would have been driven to work harder and rip past them in the game of life. i am now content to let those people succeed, get into better medical schools, better residencies, better fellowships, better jobs, whatever. i have found my comfort in God. i have found my comfort in what i am doing, and how i'm doing it. i am comparing myself less and less to other people, and more to what i feel that God is calling me to do.
will my future mate understand this? even if i told her this, will she nod her head as though she understood, smile and say that she feels similarly, but when crunch time comes, will she not understand? or worse, will she understand fully but be unhappy and feel helpless about it? this is a very disturbing thought. i have seen it. it happens.
and what about money?
long time ago, when we lived in arcadia, our family owned a mazda mpv minivan, and a chevrolet caprice classic. not exactly rollin' in style, yet it was convenient to have those two cars.
one day, my dad comes home, and says, "i gave the chevrolet away." i was like, "you did WHAT? whaddya mean, you gave the car away? you can't just give a car away! and you didn't even consult or tell us!" i wasn't really thrilled about what my dad had done. later, he told us that a friend of his had a big gambling problem, and in a drunken state, had gambled all his money and his car away. this friend happened to have a wife and 2 kids. they were stunned that their dad had done that to them.
from my dad that day, i learned some big lessons.
1) my dad really follows through. he ACTS on what he believes. on what the bible teaches, how material things are not that important, even on BIG material things, like cars.
2) cars, houses, etc. these things are nothing compared to the soul of a man
3) money is fleeting, and means nothing in heaven.
that memory really sticks in my mind. i guess it really influenced my life. i don't spend money foolishly. i know that it doesn't grow on trees. i think i am relatively frugal. but as my mom told me many times growing up, don't be afraid to spend money on the things you need. the definition of that word, "need" is ever changing, and redefined. but for the most part, i spend on what i think is necessary. sometimes, lots of times, this means i spend more than what i have in my bank account. thus my outstanding credit card debts...
when i think of the future with my wife, i wonder about how she will respond to some of the things i might do.
not to say that i will do all these things, but how will she feel if i want to sponsor a seminarian, or a couple of them, through seminary? how will she feel if i want to give a chunk to this small church that needs the money? how will she feel if i want to provide a unrecognized christian musician with money so that he/she can get started on a career in music? how will she feel if i take a huge cut in my salary to take a different job/position that a higher paying one? these thoughts have played across my mind many times, and may yet happen. or not.
it's easy to be generous when you are poor and don't have anything to give, or little to give. it's harder as you have more and more money. because man's heart isn't content with the things he wanted before. along with greater wealth comes greater greed and wants. you can help this person, or you can get the porshe boxter! you can do this, or buy that sweet home theater system! it's not easy. i'm not talking about just my future wife. i'm wondering if i can do this, too. can i really meet my promises to myself? i don't know. i want to say that i can, that i will. i DO say it to myself, so many times. that i will do this, do that. when the time comes, we'll see what stuff i am made of.
sorry for the long train of thoughts. if you've actually read all this, congratulations. i'm just typing my thoughts down. partly to put some form of organization to them, partly to keep myself accountable to the future. to either encourage me or convict me.
yakob at 12:27 AM