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surgery wk 2, day 11 (on call)
today, managed to bum off time to go to christian fellowship mtg. so good. you know, i used to crave very very intense worship and very very dynamic bible studies. today was neither, but it didn't matter. maybe my senses weren't stimulated to levels i normally seek, but i knew God was speaking to me tonight.
in the past 3 months, i've been really depressed by an observation of human nature. only now, i realize that my life has been very sheltered. i've been surrounded by relatively good people. people who try and want to do well, even if they fail many times. only recently, i've seen pure selfishness, pure hatred, pure arrogance, pure disregard for the fellow man. it is deflating. a lot of my energy and enthusiasm has dissapated, chased away by this phenomenon.
it makes me wonder, how can you stand it, God? you who are holy and perfect, how can you look down and see such things happening? how can you see terrible people exalted and respected, while the innocent and meek are trampled on? even i, who am not holy, something in my core is repulsed and makes my body physically react. how much more for the Holy God? i'm surprised that He does not send floods, thunder, lightening, and judgement NOW. what a reckless, lawless world that goes on in ignorance. my insides tremble for all of us.
i thought these thoughts today while thinking of some of the bad characters i've come across in medicine and surgery. pls don't misunderstand, doctors are not evil people. there are many who are compassionate, responsible, even loving in their care. but i expected such ppl to exist in this field of care and sacrifice. i did not expect malice, slander, and the most naked evil i have ever seen in my life.
and then came these thoughts:
* i am no better. i also sin. in God's eyes, i am like these beasts who are so repulsive to me. i have always known that i, too am a sinner, equivalent to other sinners. but having met some of these particular sinners, i am very disturbed.
* Jesus died for such as these. and for me. it shatters my mind to contemplate a being who can love to that extent.
* Lord forgive me for my hypocrisy.
yakob at 11:59 PM
-----------------
today, managed to bum off time to go to christian fellowship mtg. so good. you know, i used to crave very very intense worship and very very dynamic bible studies. today was neither, but it didn't matter. maybe my senses weren't stimulated to levels i normally seek, but i knew God was speaking to me tonight.
in the past 3 months, i've been really depressed by an observation of human nature. only now, i realize that my life has been very sheltered. i've been surrounded by relatively good people. people who try and want to do well, even if they fail many times. only recently, i've seen pure selfishness, pure hatred, pure arrogance, pure disregard for the fellow man. it is deflating. a lot of my energy and enthusiasm has dissapated, chased away by this phenomenon.
it makes me wonder, how can you stand it, God? you who are holy and perfect, how can you look down and see such things happening? how can you see terrible people exalted and respected, while the innocent and meek are trampled on? even i, who am not holy, something in my core is repulsed and makes my body physically react. how much more for the Holy God? i'm surprised that He does not send floods, thunder, lightening, and judgement NOW. what a reckless, lawless world that goes on in ignorance. my insides tremble for all of us.
i thought these thoughts today while thinking of some of the bad characters i've come across in medicine and surgery. pls don't misunderstand, doctors are not evil people. there are many who are compassionate, responsible, even loving in their care. but i expected such ppl to exist in this field of care and sacrifice. i did not expect malice, slander, and the most naked evil i have ever seen in my life.
and then came these thoughts:
* i am no better. i also sin. in God's eyes, i am like these beasts who are so repulsive to me. i have always known that i, too am a sinner, equivalent to other sinners. but having met some of these particular sinners, i am very disturbed.
* Jesus died for such as these. and for me. it shatters my mind to contemplate a being who can love to that extent.
* Lord forgive me for my hypocrisy.
yakob at 11:59 PM