Saturday, October 5

recent reads, chats made me miss my parents, so i went to go see them today.

i'm always a little ashamed when i see them. they're SO happy to see me. i can bring so much life to them with a simple call or visit, but i do it so infrequently. for my parents who were willing to move across the entire US for us, i need to be able to take a couple of hours to say hi.

on the subway ride there, a lady came ambling through the subway car. she caught my attention, cause:
#1, i thought she was panhandling, and working the pity angle, and cause panhandlers immediately cause an internal battle of: show some mercy and compassion/it means more when you need it too/just do it, and give them money! vs. no, you shouldn't encourage panhandlers in places like this/remember the guy at port authority?
#2, she was an asian lady.
#3, she was selling tele-tubby (tele-bubby? i don't know what these things are called. the freakish scary alien looking things) toys, which made this happy squeaking and beeping noise.
#4, she had the SOUREST expression i had ever seen on a face

watching this lady walk by, i was caught between a desire to laugh or tear up. it could've gone either way, easily.

to laugh because it was just crazy seeing this lady with this sour, sour, sour, dead expression, selling these bright, happy, bubbly toys. the picture was just all whack.

(reminded me of that christmas when my family visited a big church where they had this niice procession, ppl dressed up in white robes and carrying this huge banner, everyone totally happy and celebratory, EXCEPT for this ONE hal-muh-ni (grandmother) who was carrying one end of the banner, and had this sour, i-just-tasted-ddong expression on her face. jimmy, david and i silently laughed so hard that the pew started shaking and ppl were looking at us. mom and dad were SO mad. we knew we had to stop, and so resorted to punching each other, but we were caught in that vicious cycle where our laughter would NOT stop, and the smallest giggle would set all of us off again. what a tortuous experience...)

this inner-laughter died really fast, though, when she came closer and i saw her face. you had to see this lady's face. it was sour, it was lined and wrinkled. not the face of an old woman, but the face of a middle-aged woman who had no hope, no chance of lifted spirits, no laughter in her life, no care as to whether you would actually buy the tele-tubby or not, no ANYTHING, so that her face looked like that of an old woman. it was just really really depressing.

while observing her intently, and commiserating with this stranger, something swept over me. my clothes seemed to detach from my body and announce that they were not a part of me. my mouth became very dry. shame.

for some reason, this lady came to represent all of the first generation, and i, i felt like i was representing all of my generation. and i was ashamed.

that the first generation have to do things like this for us, and here am i, with the sweetest opportunities one could ask for, and how was i managing it?

how was i using my time, my money? i eat pretty much what i want to eat, get plenty of sleep, wear name-brand clothing, interact with my friends, and get the chance of a lifetime... man.

all you have to do is ride the 7 or the E into queens to see the difference in population vs, say, the 6 line.

i need to wake up. perhaps my entire generation needs to wake up. this manhattan life isn't what life is all about.

comments
jennie @ 02.53.am | October 06, 2002

oh my gosh... totally know the "can't stop laughing uncontrollably" virus that siblings tend to share. :P puhahah~
oh & yeah... i am such a spoiled ungrateful brat :( need some time to reflect & change...



yakob at 7:39 PM

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