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  • Thursday, April 25

    i was going to post some other, very significant dreams from my past, but last night, i had another very vivid dream:

    i was living in my Arcadia, CA home (elementary school, Jr.H.), which was much nicer than the Temple City, CA house (H.S.) or the Closter, NJ house (where my parents currently reside), and probably the house i liked the most.
    for some reason, my parents were going away on a long trip, and they left each of us a significant amount of money.

    as soon as they were gone, i spent much of the money on things i don't remember. time passed, and i don't know how, but what they had left me was disappearing. (just left the general feeling that the money was being spent) what was clear was that several of my friends and i were hanging out in my house, having a good ol time, but then started to do some things that were not good. i felt the guilt for what i was doing, but continued to do them (sinful even in my dreams!)

    after a long time, my parents returned. they looked at me, a little sad, but said nothing.

    my mom called for an official money-counter or some other type of finance official (i don't know why one was needed, but one was needed). after the lady was done, she had given mom the receipt. mom walked away, and i was about to the close the door, but the money-counter lady stood there, looking at me with a slight frown.

    "i'm sorry, is there a problem?" i asked. she pursed her lips, gave a small frown again, and said, "your mom gave me $8," and looked at me, expectantly. i returned a blank look. "let me count your money, and show you," she said, as if to demonstrate that her skills needed more compensation. i handed the bundle of money to her. she shuffled the stack this way and that way, demonstrating her talent, the whole while counting the bills. after some time, she handed the stack back to me, satisfied. "here you go," she said, and seemed resigned to go.

    for some reason, i couldn't shake a fishy feeling about this woman, so i asked her in a suddenly bold and loud voice, "LADY, ARE YOU KEEPING ANYTHING FROM ME?"
    she froze, with one foot out the door. silence hung in the palpable air for some time. the lady stepped back in, gave me a rueful smile, and pulled a bill out of her purse. "sorry, i don't know how this got here," she apologized.
    "IS THAT IT?" i asked, in my still strong voice. again, she gave a weak, apologetic smile, and pulled a small stack of bills out. "here."
    by now, i was getting somewhat angry, and was as demanding in my quest for truth as a judge or executioner. i gave her a look of steel, and she reached into an obscure pocket to produce a much thicker stack. "that's all!" she cried, and made her way out again.
    "LADY!" i called with conviction, chest out, arms crossed, chin tucked in, "THAT IS NOT THE LAST." she looked genuinely surprised, and this time, much more slowly, she reached down into her shoe, and pulled more bills out, and threw them at me. "that IS the last," she spat. with that, she stormed out the door.

    i closed the door, and turned back in, satisfied with what i had done, preventing that lady from stealing from mom and dad, when something fell to the floor, in front of me. i opened the manilla folder, and inside, was an official document. it listed the amount that the lady had counted, which was the sum of all that my parents owned, and it was deeded to me. in the dream, i was overwhelmed, and began to cry. here i had just poorly spent the money they had given me while they were away, and they were willing to give me more, the entirety of what they owned, to provide for a son like me. it felt like unconditional love. i sobbed with sorrow and repentance, just feeling undeserving and unworthy.

    i woke up, to find myself tearing in real life. i don't remember the last time i cried like this.

    this dream may have come because i had just seen my parents yesterday. however, my time with them was happy, untainted by any guilt or shame. they never once gave me a sad or reproachful look. i never felt like i was wasting whatever they and God had given me, at least, not while i was with my parents yesterday. yesterday was more about catching up, talking about the future, sharing a bit of what was going on in our lives, and the happenings in the ministries i was a part of. it was strange that the dream was about money, because that hasn't really been on my mind, at least not recently. the dream seemed like some strange mix of the prodigal son parable and the master/servants/denarii parable. regardless, the meaning in this dream was clear: i have been squandering all that i have been given; money, time, and the opportunity here at medical school, and yet God and my parents are still providing, still supporting, and still loving me. that love was just overwhelming. in the dream, the feelings of sorrow and repentance coursed like a rapids through me. it was not gentle nor tender, but a searing force. i haven't felt this repentant since during a retreat. i guess God felt i was rapidly spiralling, and wanted to wake me up. these strong dreams are starting to scare me a little. i don't remember dreams being this clear, this vivid, unless i was sick and having nightmares.


    yakob at 7:54 AM



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